Title
Description
Father's Voice
“Fatherlessness is the most harmful demographic trend of the generation. It is the leading cause of declining child well-being in our society.”
- David Blankenhorn, Fatherless America, 1995
The content of this book is primarily my view of the experience of matrimony, marriage and post-marriage experiences as a non-custodial parent. My view (or views) is augmented with Reserved Resources for which copyright permission is being obtained at this time. At the inception (of the book), I have just been released from jail in yet another attempt to contact my children; this time, charged with aggravated stalking coupled atop of an injunction that follows multiple restraining orders. In what I have named, “The Mess”, I begin this book on the single premise that children need their father...when the relationship has been previously healthy and viable.
“My idea of marriage was largely fostered by what I experienced in my natural family and what I learned from church family. Sure, I was aware of broken families, but I did not conceive or desire that for mine…
- H. Kirk Rainer, 2008
From the earliest understanding of marriage, the idea of lifetime was always the synonym; and moreover, the concept of two people who must serve each other – a lifting of each other's spirit as soul-mates; but not a savior... From the beginning of our marriage, I never doubted that it would survive; maybe love is blind, but divorce was never an option – not then, and never… Instead, was the intent that all problems – whether existed (or created) before the marriage or consequently, could be overcome or mitigated by commitment…
“When I speak of ‘covenant’, don’t misunderstand me as having some above-it-all disposition; on the contrary, a covenant because of my belief in God’s faithfulness…and not hers or my own”
- H. Kirk Rainer, 2008
From the belief in the founding of marriage, a covenant comes to mind; not a contract, a condition or compromise – but a covenant or promise. A covenant is sacred; it is said to be a binding promise and, from my background, between God and his creation. I viewed marriage (our marriage) as nothing less than a covenant. Yes, we are just two imperfect people; but God being perfect, would change each of us – both of us – such that the imperfections would give way to something pleasing to him…to us.
“In retrospect, I have confessed that I was not a good steward – but joined the ranks of the “DINKS” want-to-be. Still, finances (or problems) did not always coincide with our differences; but it was more about control and commitment.”
- Kirk Rainer, 2008
Knowing that money (or finances) is a proven cause for marriage failures, I do not think that it is the only cause in any broken or fatigued relationship; there must be more. There were financial problems at times; indeed, the problems began even before we were married; but the regrets that I have on the matter is more about stewardship and faithfulness – not about who was responsible…or irresponsible. But I do not believe the problems began with finances; but were more about conditions and commitment…
“Even before the arrival of our first child, the roles and responsibilities were changing – and though the choice of children was a mutual decision – I wondered if we were really ready... and that she would ever be..."
- Kirk Rainer, 2008
Life is somewhat like a maze; and with marriage, is complicated because it involves two or more; but if someone leads, than somebody should follow. Navigating through “the maze” is ideally a joint effort – where the two go hand-in-hand weighing the benefits of each move and decision. But someone has to take the lead...sometime. I had grown-up with “the lead” usually filled by dad; although, when he was deployed, mom seemingly took-over; but when he returned, some transition occurred…
“Like the wind, problems can sometimes be seemingly invisible – while the effect or outcome is not. Watching meant waiting; and sometimes the wind could come like a fury – from what direction, I cannot tell you to this day…"
- Kirk Rainer, 2008
How do you watch the wind? Of course you can’t, but you watch the effect or evidence of it none-the-less. Sometimes the effect shows evidence of a fair wind and than other times, an ill-wind. A fair wind is that gentle breeze that relieves the otherwise hot and humid sphere; but an ill-wind is one that is furious and highly disruptive. I could not always predict or prepare for the ill-wind, but certainly savored the fair one. Sometimes a northeaster, other times a hurricane, but the tempest could come out of no where and touch everywhere…
“While I don’t begin to have a ‘grasp’ of boating – and have not always been a team player – the association is that the oar must be in the water if we’re going to be effective; without it, we either stop, go in circle, or drift aimlessly wherever…"
- Kirk Rainer, 2008
Of the few times I’ve gone boating, an oar in the water can leave you powerless if the only means of propulsion. An "oar over-easy" is not really “giving-up the ship”, but is simply deciding that you don’t care one way or the other. It’s one thing to accidentally drop the oar; it’s another to throw it overboard; and still another to flail it at the crew or partner. Rowing – as part of living – can be tough going in rough waters; but it is impossible to be effective in any waters when the human-will to go on is frequently competing with threats of mutiny…
“Well you can’t draw a line in the water, but you can in the sand. Demarcation was basically to establish what was acceptable and not; but the trouble was that the line or demarcation was constantly being washed away and being redrawn…I think?”
- Kirk Rainer, 2008
A demarcation is the formalization of the boundary or border: “Here is The Line; don’t cross it – else, you will be sorry…” I believe in boundaries (conditions or limitations) aimed at establishing a better relationship; but by “Demarcation”, it is more a matter of “I’m over here, and your over there; I can do this, but you must do this…” Whenever "The Line" was crossed, the final word would usually be the inevitable and insoluble “D” word – Divorce of course.
“Divorce was even presented as a chance for inner growth and self-actualization. But the moral tides are turning, and people are showing a greater concern for the social cost of family breakdown…"
- Chuck Colson, How Shall We Now Live?, 1999
Divorce has long been a booming industry – made so by a legal system that has made it supposedly no-one’s fault (as though that were possible). I never realized – until the personal experience of divorce – that divorce could be so one-sided and seemingly so easy (as it’s sold); but while the procedure may be simple, the outcome or aftermath is always the opposite…for those who really matter. My children’s lives would never be the same and, had they not had to endure divorce, would have been much better for them…and for their families to come.
“However, researchers have shown that one of the best determinants of a child’s adjustment to divorce is the extent of the father’s continuing involvement.”
- Edward Teyber, “Helping Children Cope with Divorce”
The divided world of divorce cannot be conceived in the midst of marriage – one is out-of-this-world (and below this world) and the other is down-to-earth. As a non-custodial, I am not (and will never be) a parent; at best you are a babysitter and at worst, a mere debtor; but never a dad in the true sense of a parent. To be a dad (or parent), you must have authority; but as a non-custodial, you have been stripped of (or usurped) any previously-possessed authority to the custodial and her court.
“If finances were ever a problem, it was now; having been obligated to the pre-divorce debt and the loss of most marital assets. If only there was a ‘line in the sand’, but like sand in the desert, the debt seemed endless…"
- Kirk Rainer, 2008
Referring back to finances (being a cause for marriage failure); what about the debt accrued (or assigned) during the divorce process? In the months of her flight to Florida, my wife had accrued an unprecedented amount of debt – some of which I would be assigned (or levied) in the divorce. Besides the burden of her debt was also the unexpected tax liability – as a single rather than married – and as filing as an S-1 rather than an M-6. In short, I could not manage the debt and my other obligations.
"With what vestige of authority I thought I still had, the castle was kept intact during the months empty of a family. In the end, even it was given-up or given-over for the sake of the children”
- Kirk Rainer, 2008
Who came-up with the saying, “A house is a man’s castle?" Maybe it was knight or warrior – but it wasn’t the captured…By castle, I mean the house (or home) as it were: during the months of her flight to Florida, I kept the keep; when she and my children returned, they were welcomed with full colors and a king’s ransom of love. But in the months that followed, my expectation of and belief in reconciliation collapsed and, in what seemed like a few days, the responsive goodwill and graciousness changed suddenly to a ultimatum…followed by my exile.
“One of the hardest moments in our visitation was learning of the expressed “abandonment” by dad. I had tried to save the marriage and had done nothing to resemble abandonment. Then there was the children…
- Kirk Rainer, 2008
In the day’s of yore, the gate-keeper's question may have been “friend or foe?” As a non-custodial, a similar question may have been the norm – as I sometimes felt like an enemy or adversary at ye-old castle. But this feeling was not without reason, as I (and my children) soon began to experience the breach of living in two worlds – where the "other world" has other views that often are expressed around, or perhaps to the children. Living as an exile was bad enough; but according to my children, I had “abandoned” them…
“If the circumstances of other men are (or were) like mine has been, it is not any wonder why men far more often choose to end their lives after divorce."
- Kirk Rainer, 2008
A crisis offers the unique opportunity for introspection – a reflection of yourself and what is important…and maybe essential. The divorce was a crisis like no other; it was the loss of over fourteen years of commitment as a husband and ten years as a parent – but more than that, it was the outcome that I could never conceive and, above all, did not want…even now. Shame, guilt, remorse, grief, anger and so on; is just a vague description of the cycle that I experienced during and following the divorce, and the end….
“As a parent is drawn to his children, or vise versa, so the Juggernaut was juggled in trying to maintain meaningful relationships.”
- Kirk Rainer, 2009
A juggernaut is a powerful force – as are the special interests that have fought so diligently to make the dissolution of marriage more convenient. Marriage and family has been under assault by a powerful force that seems unrelenting and unstoppable in its effect – while appearing as a social reform with claim to the attention of women and children. How does the father – who has been largely rendered as superfluous to the family – oppose such a force? There is one force even greater….
“In the case of divorce, when one parent is financially or emotionally devastated, the children lose as well because one of the most important people in their lives has been harmed.”
- Defusing the High-Conflict Divorce; Dysfunctions of the Court System: Judges and Attorneys, Judith Margerum, Jerome A. Price, James Windell, 2007
Where do I begin but with the 3-R’s of the court system: For the judge, Re-election; the attorney, Retainers; and all others, Retirement. Aside from my experience with one or two attorneys in family court, I have yet to find anyone remotely concerned about the children; but on the contrary, the children are the “co-lateral damage” of this court-based conflict. They (the children) are effectively placed on the slave block and auctioned off as state property...while the rest collect their spoils.
“The paradox of being a payee is that the monies provided as child support can be used to finance 'the war' against you. You may be struggling to meet all your obligations; but standby, you could be restrained forever…"
- Kirk Rainer, 2009
Being a non-custodial can be like walking a tight-rope – without a net! Referring again to “Drawing Demarcations”, the lines are now enforceable (and regulated) by the law enforcement; and like a line from an old western, “You so much as flinch, and I blow your head off”, the dude is a dead-man walking. Anything is possible when you have money, it seems. I call it the pay-as-you-go justice system; and I am absolutely sure that Johnny Cochran was right when he said, “Justice is the color green in America.”
“Restraining orders, injunctions, and stalking have become the devices used to alienate this parent from his children. What is ironic is that the means to protect the “abused” is being “abused” by the so-called “abused”…
- Kirk Rainer, 2009
The restrained non-custodial must watch his first amendment rights go south. Writing was never a desire of mine; but now, it is one of the few privileges that I still have; but the problem is that I cannot write my children, cannot contact them, and cannot contact anyone who has or can contact them. I call it a Draconian, immoral law; the courts call it an injunction; but in truth, it is the finest example of how an attorney can use the word “implicit” to manufacture a lie.
“A right time to search and another to count your losses, A right time to hold on and another to let go, A right time…to mend…”
- Ecclesiastes, Chapter 3, The Message
The conflict – even war – has taken an undetermined toil on my children because it is something they cannot forget. As I write this closing chapter, the possibilities are very predictable because, like the forces of nature, the aftermath of divorce leads to many losses for the children as children…and as adults. Should I have the opportunity – God willing – there will be much need for undoing what has been undone; to re-build, if possible, what has been destroyed through years of alienation coupled with fears of abandonment. Lord, let it begin…
Second, my appreciation must go to family – and especially my parents – who have borne much of the trials of my life, and continue to stand with me for potentially more….
Third, I must acknowledge the resources ("Reserved Resources") readily available; to those who developed them and for those who, like myself, have come to appreciate them.
Lastly, I must recognize the people classified as non-custodial parents – but who have lost their right and privilege in parenting their children….and of course, the children, who are the casualties of this war on marriage and family.
As one minister shared with me recently, and as reminded by Promise Keepers years ago, men are desperately needed to “stand in the gap” in the most critical crisis of our time, our society, and our culture.
As a parent – though alienated from my children – I am also acutely aware of the privilege of being a parent; and to those who have and do commit themselves to this most valuable vocation, your children and their children will benefit. To the alienated or separated parents who, like myself, want the same; I hope and pray for reconciliation and restoration of these relationships that your children and their children will benefit too.
More to come...
